Nothing But Mammals

I was driving over the bridge just past the mall, the one that turns into Rossanley Lane, and I could see that the light was red. Just before I got to the intersection the light turned green, so I basically got the jump on everyone else. I was in the right lane at the time, and the little Honda CRX at the front of the left lane just took off trying to make it so that I couldn't change lanes, or race me or something.

Anyone that knows my bug knows that the 3rd gear is lethal. I punched it and passed him easily. I took a the first main left that leads to the intersection with Muchas Gracias and 711. He tailgated me all the way down that road up until the intersection where he hopped into the left turn lane and was right next to me. I glanced over at him. he was already looking at me, then he looks at his radio turned the volume up and. "YOU AND ME BABY AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT MAMMALS, SO LETS DO IT LIKE THEY DO IT ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL." My jaw literally dropped at first, then I started laughing. What was even funnier was that he was really into it, bangin' his head like it was some hardcore metal band like Pantera or some shit.

When the light turned green looked over at me, rev'd his engine and almost stalled his "pocket rocket" while trying to peel out through the intersection. Unforgivable.

What You Know About Math?

I seriously hope that these guys dressed like tools on purpose, but by the sounds of it probably not.

It's A Perk

We had a "walk" about a week ago. It went really well, and we just got a new warehouse manager, so he was pleased that things got off to a good start for him.

This morning he purchased everyone on morning merchandising, or "graveyard," any Mellelo coffee drink of their choice. I was fortunate enough to be around people that do not drink coffee. I had a Dancing Elephant at break, one after work , and I have one in the freezer. Healthy? Nope. Free? You bet your sweet ass.

Pope: Deceased

Yes, it's true, yet another Pope has passed.

It was my brother Austin that informed me of the recently departed. When I asked him how he died he told me it was while golfing. I cracked a joke after I had heard. "He took his swing and just kept on going 'til he hit the turf."

Austin was amused. He told me that he was run over with a golf cart and was pinned underneath. What a horrible way to go, huh? The more questions I asked the more the story didn't seem right.

Eventually I go to the bottom of things. The Pope he was talking about was an old customer of ours when we had our paper route, which is why he was so appalled by the joke I made earlier. I actually thought for a little bit that THE Pope had actually been run over with a golf kart and died from being caught underneath.

Randomness

Stand-up and beat boxing mixed with heavy doses of genius. Watch the whole video, it's amazing.

"I've often heard them say, 'Why don't you use earplugs?'" said Vincelette, who lives on Deep Grass Road in Houston. "Well, that's the same thing as if they smeared excrement in your home and said, why don't you wear a clothespin on your nose instead of telling us that we can't smear this in your house?"

Apparently Cho shot off 170-plus rounds in about 9 minutes before turning the gun on himself. That's just crazy. Scott and I shared a box of 100 rounds and it seemed to take longer than 9 minutes.

"Peeling out" is like...The coolest thing ever! RAAAAAAAAAA!

Goats love fences of ze electric (electric fences).

Some truly brilliant inspirational posters.

Just Another Day At Costco

Despite the fact that I got maybe two hours of sleep (tops), I had a great day at work. I think I made up enough sleep over my weekend to get me back to a neutral state. Last Sunday, which is my Friday, I got 16 hours of sleep after I woke up, called Costco and told them that I was saving payroll.

There is this guy at work I swear is on steroids. He has the weirdest, and worst temper I've ever seen. He'll go Rocky-style on a pallet in the drop of a hat if even one box falls off. He just walks around grunting and being pissed off.

No pallet mobbing today, this was much more amusing.

This guy was really tired, apparently. We were leveling off the book table, and when we look over we can see his eyes getting heavy. He is too tired to notice, but we aren't even working, just watching him sway back and forth as he appears to be falling asleep. Surely enough he does, standing straight up he falls asleep while leveling books. Then he wakes abruptly and looks around to see if anyone noticed.

5 minutes later he moved on and went to check some signs that hang on fishing line ("sign string") above the products. All of a sudden I see that the sign string is resting on the products. I look over and he had fallen asleep, again, and his hands had stretched the sign string all the way down as he fell over onto the product. I showed a superior co-worker (only in hours worked, not in rank i.e. supervisor, manager, etc) and he tried waking him up, after watching and laughing of course. As he woke, he tried acting like nothing had happened by mumbling, " I'm uhh...Just, uhhh...Trying to see what this dang sign number is, uhhh." Then to top it off he passes out again right in front of us pulling the sign string down again. It was the funniest thing ever.

But you wanna know what's not funny, people falling asleep on forklifts. Yep, I've seen that happen as well. Apparently the guy that does this ( it has in fact happened on multiple occasions) is known for just passing out randomly. Not like narcolepsy, but from not sleeping enough. Anyway, we found him out in the bushes in front of Costco sleeping once. He never told us how he ended up there. Then we make him regret it by spreading the word around and harpin' on him in the break room.

For The Guys

When taking a piss, do you ever try and makes shapes with the bubbles that form? With the main piss I try to stir things up as much as possible, so that I have a good base off bubbles to work with. Then I use my single shots (after the main piss but before the shakes) to sculpt those bubbles into something grand. Some people start off just shooting holes in the bubbles. The more experienced ones get right to business making smiley faces and what not. Though I may not earn any street-cred points by telling people that I just made Abe Lincoln's head with my piss bubbles, it sure is fun, and it is an art.

Greatest Prank Of All Time

Millionaire

The question asked who had "sir" added to their name without being knighted by the King of England: A) Sir Elton John, B) Sir Mix-A-Lot, C) Sir Mick Jagger, D) Sir Paul McCartney?

The LADY answered C) Mick Jagger! And it was the $500 question, so she left with nothing. She was crying before she started because she was so happy to be their, then she was crying because she realized she's an idiot. "I didn't read the question, I didn't read the question."

Were the Kazakhstani scientists correct about the female brain being smaller than the male brain?

The Order Of The Phoenix

Trailer for the newest Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Downtown Dan

The Mail Tribune does an article on Medford's "most recognizable pedestrian."
I remember when I was like 9 or 10 when I was playing soccer for the RVSC Rage. Dan would come to watch our practices at Hawthorne Park and would play goalie for us sometimes.

An Update Of The Normal Type

I've been out of the house all day for the past two days, leaving right after work and going to my brothers track meets. He had one yesterday at South Medford and the other at Crater high today. I got a few pictures of the beast they call Flex.

Happy Birthday, Allison!

Allison is in Saint Diego while my mother is in New York. The Machado boys had to enjoy Allison's birthday cake without them.

Duped

I am really bad at saying no. I instead use "ehh" and "uhh" while floating around the answer, but never say it. I also hate being flat-out rude to strangers, so saying "Get the hell off my stoop, bitch," or slamming the door was out of the question.

I don't even want to go through the whole story because it was so effing lame and annoying. Basically this chick was selling magazine subscriptions and I was duped into buying one. My problem was that I didn't really care or listen, and kept saying "uh huh." She had invested too much time by the end and the bull dike wasn't going to settle for "I don't want anything" for an answer. There was just crap magazines, so I ended up picking a subscription for Maxim and having it donated to some base in Georgia. I don't mind donating, but there wasn't many options, so I don't feel the complete satisfaction of the deed compared to if I had given to a charity of my choice.

Medford Hot Spot

I'm at the Miracle Shield/Duck Walk Coffee, or "The Place to Meet in Medford," and it is bangin'! They have coffee, Internet, music, and car washing capabilities. Shiiiit. They even have a heater for when it's a little chilly. BEAT THAT! I don't know why I hang out here more often. I mean, its like WAY cooler than Tardbucks. Coffee and car washes , compared to coffee and books, is by far the more superior combo. Pfft, pretentious fuckers and their books.

A Conundrum

Lets say the someone had told you that they had found a vending machine that had a certain series of numbers and letters you could enter to get free items, what would you do? Exploit it and treat yourself right? Tell everyone? Tell no one? Report it to the manufacturer?

Really, what would you do?

Laundry Issues

I can't figure my laundry issues out. I wash infinitely more clothes that I do wear. It seems that I always have a load in the wash and a load in the dryer. It's truly baffling. They end up getting left on top of the dryer due to me not liking to fold 'em or get tossed on the ground or my desk because I cant fit them all in my closet. Because I get my clothes dirty at work I can't wear 'em a couple days in a row like I could do during my days in school. I can't seem to get rid of any either because I end up telling myself that I could use 'em later as a "just in case" wardrobe. I've gotten rid of loads before, but after, I end up feeling like I have nothing to wear. I guess that I have to buck up and devote one day to truly going through all this shit and reducing my wardrobe to a manageable size.

Update @ 9:10pm: I go to do my monster pile of laundry and while leaning into push the "start" button I tagged my head on the corner of the cupboard door that I had left open. The door was open to 90 degrees, so it stood strong as it dug into an old childhood scar on my head.

The Red Man

Sometimes Donnie and Scott like to celebrate my heritage with a little song and dance. What can I do besides laugh and join in?

Later, Bitch

Sanjaya is gone!!! He gave us nothing to talk about.

He's No Idol

Lets pray for the dismissal of Sanjaya tonight on the Idol. Bad Hair, horrid stash and no fashion sense (not to mention he can't sing) - It's a mystery to why he is still on the show.

Virginia Tech

This whole thing is unbelievable, from the tragedy itself to the lack of warning, after the initial attack, and the assumption that it had been contained. Not until the second attack was there some kind of alert- I would evacuated after the first, especially if the shooter had fled.

Everett Good, junior, said of the lack of warning: "Someone's head is definitely going to roll over that."

Only In Disturbia

Anyone else have the feeling the Disturbia is going to bomb? Not be the bomb, but bomb out, plummet, suck royal ass.

I had the feeling at first like it was either going to be kinda good or just flat out lick the balls/taint region. It wasn't 'til later in the trailer that I knew it was going to be bad.

So the trailer starts off exactly like the scene from The Girl Next Door. Kid pervin' out his window, girl sees, dude ducks, girl comes over, dude freaks, yadda yadda yadda. She asks where the doughnuts are 'cause "You can't have a stake-out without coffee and doughnuts." Yikes. Then later in the trailer Shia notices something truly mind boggling: The house and the garage are connected! FUCK!

"When this was first built, this main house and the garage wasn't connected. What would he need that for?"

"Why?" he asks. To get to his God damned house without having to walk around outside! Freakin' der if I've ever heard one.

It might be decent to below average film, but that line in the movie will make everything else just seem like a joke. I'd probably still like Holes better, which Isn't saying much.

Friday The Thirteenth

I woke up 39 minutes late for work this morning and arrived 43 minutes late to Costco. I marked in the my excuse in the log book as "Native Americans are very superstitious." How can they contest that?

Elementary School

Remember the almost infinite number of games there were to play in elementary school? I started thinking back on some of my favorite and some of their rules.

Wall Ball was the first that came to mind. I remember when people used to line for their try at the champ. When it was your turn you would consult with your opponent and go over what was allowed: Cross Country's, rainbows, snake bites, and babies.

Tether ball was next. I remember you couldn't grab the rope just above the ball and whip it around so fast that there was no chance of the opponent getting another hit in. And you couldn't jump up and stick your arm in the rope just before the ball was on its last trip around the pole- because it was cheap and usually ended up with a kid hanging by his arm just because he wanted to save some face. Lava Monster was a classic as was kick ball.

I remember it was during a kick ball game that I first got in trouble for swearing at school. I was in the outfield and some kid booted it high and in my direction. it was sunny out and as I was looking up it was way hard to see. Anyway, it got to me faster that I had anticipated and bounced off my forearms. "SHIT!" in no time at all I had a recess monitor on my ass. They asked what I had said, and of course I lied. " I said, "I need a mitt!"." She bull dike wasn't trying to hear that and I was escorted right into the Principal's office. I had to call home and tell them what I had said. I was so scared at the time and was drenched in my own tears. I actually done even remember the whole conversation with my parents, I just remember have to do it while the Principal stood right next to me. I remember I got in trouble for saying "hell" too, and it was baffling to me. I contested that it wasn't really a "bad word" by trying to say the it was just a name of a place, not like some of the other words I could have been using. Bad words: Fuck, shit, ass, balls. Non-bad words: Hell. I think that I was just sent inside for that one.

I don't know where I was going with this. I guess i started thinking because when I drive by my old elementary school all I see is kids walking the track and sitting in the field. Then I start think how lame and un-cool they appear to be.

Randomness

Morse Code is faster than Text Messaging.

This is pretty old school. I'm pretty old school myself.

A crazy ass game that nobody else plays. Like the cup stacking game, kinda, but with dice.

On The Pod

Since yesterday, with the help of Sam's genius, I have put some videos on my iPod (finally): Jackass 2, Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2, Sin City, Revenge of the Sith, Nacho Libre, and soon Dead Man's Chest.

Those Little Chickens

Does anyone remember KFC's Chicken Littles? I know that Scott doesn't. Those were an extremely common meal for the Machado family for the longest time. We used to roll through and order them in bulk. They were about a third the size of the new Snacker, but instead of a chicken strip, they were a beaded chicken patty with some mayonnaise and lil' shredded lettuce. "Chicken Littles! Chicken Littles! Chicken Littles!" That was the only thing you would here from the five Machado boyz*.

*Yes, we are "boyz."

Sooo Sick

New Friends

If MacTheRipper and HandBrake Lite in fact work to get video on my iPod they will become my two newest friends.

We Can Only Hope

Welcome To The Valley

I think that today will be spent cruisin' around the valley capturing "what the valley is all about." From Table Rock to Ashland and what ever I find in between. I may not have the eye that some people do, but I still like taking pictures.

Update- Instead, I just drove around today and enjoyed the nice weather and my day off. I had major landmarks picked, areas that were easily recognizable, and would fit "what the valley is all about," but I didn't feel like using up that kind of gas. I just snapped off a show here and there.

Randomness

How is this not cool?

Jason Kottke likes MIMS, "This is Why I'm Hot." How can such a classy guy listen to such shitty music. Not all the the music he sports is crap, just a few names I noticed on this one seemed to be a little off. Kottke.Org.

PTA meeting gone bad. Looks like it's in Oakland, Californ eye aye, which in that case is not so surprising.

Funny Arnold clip. It takes a while til the outburst, but its worth it.

Cadbury eggs have gotten smaller over the years. Check it out.

Fruit booter kid smashes face. At no time in the video did it look like he ever had a chance, even when he was a blur at the very beginning.

Help Josh get into the Guiness Book of World Records.

It's Easter, Not Christmas

I just started making an Easter Video. Unfortunately I deleted it when I realized that it Easter day is almost over. The weird thing is that it kinda turned out like Christmas morning video. I woke up and was all excited and went running out like a lil' kid on Christmas. It was pretty funny, but I didn't see the point in editing and releasing it for the day after Easter.

For me I guess it wasn't too weird, it being like Christmas morning. It seems like in our family all of these little holidays (Christmas, Easter, Patty's, Valentine's) are like Christmas-waking up to a stocking like arrangement of little gifts and candy. When we were little that's just how it was. So naturally I made a video that for me would resemble a Easter-like morning but looked like a Christmas morning video. I guess that I deleted it because I just wasn't sure if others celebrated Easters like we do and thought that it might seem a little off.

I suppose that that I could have released it next year, but I didn't feel like keeping it on my comp that long.

Happy Easter

Good Friday? Since When?

What the fuck is so good about it (inspirado via Donnie)?

I was gonna go to Alex's track meet today in the RR, But then the Golf ran out of gas at my mom's house and I had to take the Subaru to get the gas can filled. After I put whatever gas there was in the can into the Golf I went to the gas station to fill it up and get on my way. I broke down about one mile after getting gas. Apparently when the Golf was out of oil, mid last week, it wasn't really two quarts low. The guys that helped me this afternoon said it was two quarts over full. No kiddin'? Now my Bug is in the shop (repairs come out of my pocket) and the Golf is in the shop (repairs come out of my pocket). I have considered giving up my Mac and new sunglasses to pay for 'em. So it has not been a so called Good Friday. Rather, a better suiting name would be Goof Friday (I accidentally hit "f" instead of "d") , because today there has been this little rain cloud following me around and giggling anytime he gets the chance.

When it rains it pours comes down like like hollow point .45 caliber ammunition and smells like a fart in the shower...The worst kind of fart (the kind you can really taste).

Mex To Your Specs!

It seems like whenever we get a "hot" new restaurant all the douche bags come out, along with the rest of Medford, parts of Central Point, and some White City folk. This particular character was the type that had been there at least once every day since its grand ol' opening.

As he walked through the door he started off with a, "MMMMmmmmMMMM. It's so fresh. It always is...Fresh, haha." His friend was ecstatic and replied with, "Oh my God! You're right! I didn't believe you at first." He then starts telling what meals he can order and what "protein" you can get, as if there wasn't a HUGE menu right in front of him with an extremely legible descriptions. "You can get beef, chicken, tofu, or the CARNITAS *Spanish accent*. Carnitas is delectable. Its shredded and simmered in an orange sauce. It's the best."

Now it's his time to order. I hadn't seen him or his friend until this moment, and the douchy-ness was building. He was cocky, the arrogant type. He leans over the glass divider where the food is, twists his goatee, puts up his index and middle finger and says, "We'll have two MuchoRito plates."

Oh yeah, his friend, when they walked in, asks, "Whats a Mucho Righto plate?" Douche #1 tells him, " No no no. It's Mucho Reeto, not Mucho Righto. Like the 'ito' in burrito, 'cause that's what it is, a burrito." I could only assume that that he was a Spanish major because he didn't understand the common pronunciation that takes place in the Spanish Language. I haven't taken Spanish since hike school and I still didn't think to myself "Mucho Righto?"

The rest of his order was just some lame attempt to impress the food servers with his in-depth knowledge of the Spanish language by trying to say what he wanted in Spanish. Even the Mexican workers behind the counter scratched their heads and asked in English, "What?" He gets a confused look on his face and says "Oh, you speak English? Well..."

Here is to you, Douche #1. You didn't make my day, but you did enlighten me to the whole other level of idiocy that inhabits Medford.

Has The Oozinator Returned?

You all remember what happened last time the GOOZinator got loose. With the warn temperatures that we're experiencing recently, the Oozinator becomes more prone to come at or on his enemies. Let's pray we don't have to witness anything of that magnitude again. Stay tuned!

The Arcade Jeter

Scott loves The Arcade Fire. Scott also loves to dance. When these two loves come together and are slowly mixed with a halfway decent Internet connection you get what some people like to call "webtard." Enjoy "The Arcade Jeter."

Ford Shelby GT500KR

Ford Shelby Mustang GT500KR 'King of the Road.'

It's the most powerful Mustang ever put into production and only 1000 units will be made.

I was never really impressed with the new Mustangs look. Except for the GT500KR and the GT500, the body of the new 'Stang just seemed a little wimpy. As far as standard production goes for the classic inspired look for the 'Stangs and Chargers, I think that the Charger was far superior. But as far as top model goes for the two, the aggressive look, not to mention whats under the hood, the Mustang receives the #1 spot my book. Carrol Shelby and Doug Gaffka , Chief Ford SVT (Special Vehicle Team) designer, receive mad props for the 'King of the Road.'


Under the hood: 5.4 liter supercharged V-8 producing 540 hp and 510 ft.-lbs of torque.
Shoes: Custom 20 inch 'GT500KR' wheels designed by the Carrol Shelby.

Oden

I don't like how Oden is allowed to dunk like he does. He throws down hard, which is legal, but then he kinda of swings himself off the rim then twists and kicks his legs up. I've seen people jump wrong and are forced to do the same thing (hang on the rim) and are charged with a technical, but Oden makes a scene every time and seems to never get a call. I'm not hatin' on him what so ever. He is one hell of a freshman and I've enjoyed watching Ohio this NCAA tournament, I've just seen people do less and get a harsher call.

Randomness

Slam dunk contest stunt goes wrong. Nothing crazy, this white dude just cant jump.

Clint Dempsey raps. I don't care how gangster he is, he makes people look like bitches on the pitch. DON'T TREAD ON THIS! "Thanks to Socca I rock more ice than a hockey skate."

Gayest thing of all time.

They are more than meets the eye.

Top 5 animal attacks on reporters. I was satisfied with #1 and #5 is by far the most funny attack/reaction.

Costco

I may be moving back to a more normal shift. I was approached by a co-worker that had been recruited to work night merch (2pm-10pm). He told me that I was the only other person that knows and he wanted me to come along. I was not offered a move, but he is going to insist that the only way he will move to nights is if I go as well. I had already made up my mind when he told me the hours, but this was his way of trying to convince me,

"You can get drunk EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and still come in to work at 2pm. DUDE, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!"

This is the answer I got when I asked him about how it compares to morning merch, as far as the type of work I'd be doing,

"It's the easiest shit you'll ever do."

Later

I woke up late again. I actually woke up early to get some shirts tumbling, but they were so darned peaceful sounding that it put me right back to sleep. I arrived at Costco 25 minutes late only to to be sent home without having anything marked on my record. It's a process we like to call "saving payroll." No work, not late, extra sleep on top of the eight hours I already have from yesterday. Ch-Ching?